An Oracle Once Said...

She spoke over me, she saw through me - said things I only think to myself, things I fear to say aloud. A 'God' Thing. A transparent 'you can no longer hide' thing. I am empty, I am loveless. How can I love others - myself even - when I am not loving the Source? Her words slip through my mind and heart as sand through a sieve... I must capture them while fresh... they fade quickly.

I must go; there must be time; there must be distance. This is good; this is ordained. I must die to everything I know; cleanse my body, mind, heart, soul.

Alone.
Completely.
Utterly.
Alone.

Will I come back? Will I sacrifice the things I hold dear? I must give "It" up. Anything and everything - whatever "It" is - it must die. I must die. I must drown myself in verse, but the verse must be true - must come from the Source. Place Life on the sacrificial alter in a complete release, not knowing what, if anything, will return to me. It is imperative to be at peace with that. My family, my marriage, my security, my sanity - all released, all torn from my fingers and removed from my sight.

"There was a time I didn't love him."
"I am there now."
"I didn't want to love him."
"I am there now.... What if?"
"There is fear in the 'What ifs'. Let them go. Stop asking."
"How can I love?"
"You must return to your first love."

My first love.

My first love is the Source. How can I return? Do I want to return?

If I do not, then I am dead either way.

This will be the death of me... and I fear I will be the death of him.

See it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coal into flame, and forges the weapon fit for its work...